Fashionable?

I've never been the kind of person who was really into current fashion and clothes. I have had different styles growing up. Some (but not all) include hipster, hippie, prep, grunge, pop-punk and hip-hop sexy.

I can remember my first real experience with feeling unfashionable. It was in 7th grade when I had almost reached my full height; at 13 I was 5'8" and I had a hell of a time finding pants that were long enough. Mens jeans fit me best because you could buy them by length; 34" inseam worked perfectly. This was before the days when pants came in petite, regular and long. That year, all the pretty, popular girls were wearing these cable-knit V-neck sweaters from The Gap with a turtleneck underneath. Some would wear a necklace they got from mom and dad or from (gasp!) a boyfriend and it would dangle from outside the turtleneck, shining with the silent words "I'm special" - and therefore me, standing in my over-sized, large purple sweater with flowers and my matching purple jeans (yes, I had an outfit that was entirely purple) got the message that I was "not special." I think back now and I'm not sure why I didn't just ask my mom to buy me that sweater, maybe because I knew my mom wouldn't understand why I wanted a $50 sweater and it was probably because I secretly didn't want it. I wanted to blend in but not have to be like everyone else at the same time.

That first experience with fashion left me bitter; I was often teased by the kids at school because I was an easy target - long and froggy, but without curves. I was also taller than everyone reaching my full height of 5'10" by age 14. I responded to this by starting down my anti-fashion phase.

That next year I decided to try to express myself through clothing. I also began listening to The Grateful Dead, although I never smoked pot in high school. I wore jeans that were too big on me, long hair that my mom never let me cut and tye-dye t-shirts. I had patches on my backpack and wore little to no make-up. I will go in and out of phases, coming back to this relaxed style of loose fitting clothes again well into adulthood.

I'd say in high school my style was heavily influenced by my need to differentiate myself again. I discovered thrift stores and my best friend Heather and I would frequent them often. I also went my cousin Sue a lot and she taught me how to get the most of out thrifting for clothes. I had an eclectic style during this time - combat boots, mens dress slacks, little boys polo shirts, geek glasses. Looking back, I was actually ahead of my time and dressing the way a lot of the emo kids dress now. I dressed like a boy in a way, because I never felt particularly feminine, at least not traditionally so.

In college I hit a short phase when I bleached my hair almost white and had this super cute short hair do. I also became more aware of my body as I got more curves late in high school and wasn't sure how to dress them. I got more attention from boys as a blond and so I started wearing tight jeans and shirts, getting my nails manicured, and wearing more make-up.

It wasn't until recently that I realized how style and fashion were great, but I really wanted function. As an adult entering the work force I wanted clothing that could easily be mixed and matched with many things, as well as better quality clothing so it would last longer. I enjoy wearing simple, classic styles that some would consider a little more preppy. I have a nice mixture of all my previous styles depending on the occasion. I can get "all hookered up" as my friend Rena would say, if I were going out to a club. I have that little black dress for weddings and special outings. I feel most comfortable though, in just a pair of low-rise jeans, flip flops and a simple top.

I think over the years my fashion has changed a long with me. I've not really tried to force myself into a certain area and just worn what was both comfortable and reflective of my mood whether it be sexy, playful, tired or creative. I enjoy the simplicity of my wardrobe and how it accentuates who I am at that moment, constantly evolving with me.

Editor

I've made some incredible new friends lately, particularly some new writing buddies. I've been attending a poetry workshop, going to more readings, and just generally getting connected with the literary community in Pittsburgh. I'm proud to say my hometown has a vibrant cultural scene in general, and there are a lot of talented writers here.

I met Margaret when I attended a reading she co-produced with her group The Typewriter Girls. They do these cabaret-style readings that incorporate comedy sketches, music, performance art, dance - basically anything, as long as they mesh poetry into the performance. I was so impressed by their show and how well attended it was. Afterward a group of people all went out for Thai food and we all exchanged Facebook info and became fast friends. We attended readings, went out for more food and in particular, I asked Margaret to read some of my poetry. Eventually we began meeting to discuss writing and possible project collaboration ideas, and she invited me to her poetry workshop.

During one meeting, I expressed my desire to get into independent publishing. I had done my homework in regards to zine creation, buying some personal-style zines along with political and literary zines. Margaret was more familiar with the literary journal and had been published before and was rather connected to the scene. We immediately brainstormed some ideas for a project, I purchased literary zines and she purchased some journals. Just last week we narrowed in on our projects themes and goals. It was really happening.

I've always been a poet. Even in junior high, when I was writing incredibly selfish - just plain bad - poetry that no one would understand but me, I was still expressing myself through words. This was obviously pre-internet and while I would share my writing with friends but that was the extent of my writings distribution. In college, I took writing courses and workshops and that fed my hunger for a creative outlet After finishing college, I missed having chances to connect with other writers and since creative writing wasn't my major I wasn't trained in how to stay connected outside of the academic environment. I will write more about the "poet" label in the future. There is a lot of humor in calling oneself a poet so I look forward to exploring that.

Now I currently find myself in a new seat - editor. It was somewhat unexpected and I'm trying to get used to it. Just last week, Margaret and I launched our new writing project to the world. Weave Magazine is a print based art and literary publication that strives to bring together art and writing of many genres created by artists and writers of all walks of life. We want to break down any barriers people may feel are surrounding the literary world. There are many talented people out there, both published and unpublished, and Margaret and I really want to provide a space for them to share. We will simultaneously be supporting the humanities while also building community and making art more accessible to the general public. I'm so excited to be a part of this endeavor and it seems Margaret and I are well-matched in terms of what we each bring to the project. I've got a great flair for marketing and the technology aspect of things, creating and maintaining the website and other social networking aspects of things. Margaret is well connected to the community, so she has known who to align ourselves with and where to announce our call for submissions. Her previous publications have also given us a bit of credibility and we are both humbled and excited by the positive response we've gotten in less than one weeks time.

I would like to take a moment to invite any of my readers to check out the Weave Magazine website for our submission guidelines and be sure to check back for updates. We are aiming for an October 2008 release of our first issue and plan to have a great release party around that same time.

I am super excited about this project and I'll be sure to keep you all up-to-date on how things are going and how my editor hat fits.

Oh and be sure to join our group on Facebook!

Death & Divorce

In the interest of not letting too much time pass between posts (which seems to be my main theme each time I do post - perhaps I will change the name of my blog to "Laura Without Blog Entries" or something...). I do want to keep my readers updated on things I've posted about previously, especially as labels do have various incarnations.

This past Sunday around 1pm my uncle Lee died due to complications with Parkinson's Disease. I was chatting with my soon-to-be ex-husband the other day and I realized I had not told him about Lee yet. The conversation morphed into this sadness over both the death of my father's younger brother as well as how this month we file the final paperwork for our divorce. I can tell you with certainty that conversations about death and divorce will most certainly end up with you crying.

For me, I began crying at my desk at work. My co-worker came to the front of the office where I sit and consoled me a bit. I went into the bathroom, splashed some cold water on my face and went about my workday.

I began to compare the ritual surrounding both life events. When someone dies, we gather our friends and relatives to mourn together, collectively supporting each other in a large circle of embracing, recalling fond memories and stories of our lost love one, laughing and crying. We say things we think might help ease the pain. We have detailed ceremonies over what happens with the dead one's body. After whatever ceremonial traditions a family prescribes to, one hopes that they all gather in someone's home for food and more stories, crying and hugs.

For divorce there is no such ritual, save for perhaps trips to lawyer's offices, seemingly endless negotiating and often court appearances. My divorce is so simple we don't even have lawyers, since we can file everything ourselves, however I'm finding the whole shift to be rather uneventful. Why don't people come together and mourn your loss collectively? Why don't people have divorce-wakes where people bring you tuna-noodle casserole and share stories of their breakups and hug you. I suppose some women do this - gather their close girlfriends and watch "The Way We We're" and eat chocolate fudge ripple ice cream. And cry. But I think it should be standard. As I near the end of the 91 day waiting period before filing the final paperwork, I find myself wanting a bit of fanfare. Something that mirrors back the ritual of marriage to provide some sort of closure.

I'm very sad this week. I have not slept much and I've felt disconnected from my job. I'm just holding it together really. I do have good things happening, one of which is the birth of a new and exciting writing project (which I will soon post about) along with making some new, hopefully life-long, friends. I'm focusing my eyes on these bits of light coming underneath the doorway into what has been a rather dark room this winter. I'm grateful for those that have been and continue to be there for me for support.

I'm not sure how to end this post or to tie it into a label or to create a grand metaphor that will give me some resolution on the events in my life. Sometimes there isn't anything that can be said or done, but just holding onto whatever keeps you going. For me its writing, food and MOST of all my people. I love you all.

mortal

I have some serious and rather sad news to share. I'm feeling a strange kind of sad, just gray really. My uncle Lee, my father's brother, has been suffering from Parkinson's disease for a number of years. I honestly can't even remember at this point, what he was like before the disease. It seems like the healthy uncle Lee has died a long time ago. More recently, the sick uncle Lee has been placed in hospice care and it seems this morning he has taken a turn for the worse.

I talked to my mom just a little bit ago, she said that Lee has taken a turn for the worse. A month or so ago he had wandered out of the house alone and they had to send out a search party for him. He had a feeding tube in his nose because he couldn't eat food any longer because he was aspirating it, causing infection in his lungs. This whole thing is painful to hear about - to hear of anyone suffering such a long, drawn out dying process, but also because my father has had a lot of loss in his life. Growing up, his father left the family and eventually died when my dad was younger, of a heart attack. Losing his older brother was painful and he has also lost some close friends unexpectedly. I remember when we found out an old neighborhood friend, Ray, had died and we had missed the funeral. My dad said to me, "I'm not sure why I keep losing all the men in my life." My heart broke for him.

While I have not been that close with my uncle Lee, it's still a sad time for my family, especially my father. When I think about life and how we all have death in common, I get very somber and introverted. Thinking about my own mortality is humbling. I know we cannot avoid death and I'm okay with that for the most part. When I think about my own death, I like to think of the Mark Twain quote, "I do not fear death, in view of the fact that I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it." When I do think about death itself, I think of any pain I might feel, or fear that I might have not lived my life to the fullest or experienced all that I had wanted to before my time, which I think is what most people fear. At almost 27, I've experienced enough to not feel immortal anymore, loved enough to understand real loss but I have not lived enough to be satisfied. My great grandmother died at 90 and my grandma was there to hold her hand and tell her, "It's okay, we'll be okay." My dad's mother passed away in her sleep, knowing that it was her time at almost 93. Lee however, has barely reached his 60s before death has almost come to him. Life definitely isn't fair.

I will say that if anything positive can come from someone dying too young (and I personally think dying before you turn 70 is too young) it can help us each examine our own lives and consider what we haven't done yet. Even if it's something simple, like learning to cook. Or something big like sky-diving or traveling to Europe. I think part of embracing your mortality is being joyful about each day you do have and celebrating as often as possible. Work hard, play hard - that's what my dad has always said. Good advice I think.